I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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