kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
