Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
