Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize