I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
