You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
