Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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