Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize