I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
