The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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