My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
