I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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