My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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