my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
