i think my tv is drunk
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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