My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
