someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
