Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize