i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My cat gives me a boner
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
