Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
