My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
