Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
