are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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