I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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