Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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