Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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