Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
