I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
