not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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