here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
