Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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