Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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