You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
