When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
