I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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