so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i may or may not be watching the land before time
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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