$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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