i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize