Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize