dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
