Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
