I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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