So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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