If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
