Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
