Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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