we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
