Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize