$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
