Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
