i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
