tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
