It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize