Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
