you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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