She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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