if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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