highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
