At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
