You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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