Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
