Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
