I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
